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Tuesday, September 3rd, 2002
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ALIM is BACK> and frankly my dear, its about frickin time eh!! chikatee china the chinese chicken, have a drumstick and your brain starts clickin!
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Comments: pat my cat.
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ok, gym etiquette:: im on the erg, 45 minutes in, im workin my ass off and all the ergs on either side of me have ppl on them too. suddenly the worst smell ever floats over and settles. dude, my mouth is wide open, im panting for air, im working out full tilt and some ass has the nerve to fart in a roomful of people? o god i just about died. not cool. ugh.
ok on a lighter note:: my sister shows up tomorrow! yay! look out victoria! :)
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Comments: pat my cat.
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Thursday, August 29th, 2002
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ALIM IS BACK ALIM IS BACK ALIM IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how great is that! YAY!!!!!!!!! :)
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Comments: pat my cat.
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Tuesday, August 27th, 2002
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aaaaaalimmmmm is coming back soon!! yay!!! cant wait to see you alim!! not that im home much..... but when i see you its gonna be GOOD!!! i miss ya, my lil bro :)
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Comments: pat my cat.
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Monday, August 26th, 2002
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_Dial, Javex and Jenny_ - a little story for you
I go through one bottle of Liquid Dial antibacterial soap every week, but even this fails to quiet the noises inside my head.
I am very careful to keep myself clean. Liquid Dial is my favourite soap. It is translucent orange, and you can see through the soap, through the bottle, and it acts like a bizarre filter and makes things on the other side look orange and twisted. I buy the large, almost two-litre bottles and use it to refill my little bottles sitting around the house, the little bottles that have the white spouts on them, like in restaurant washrooms, the ones where you push down on the spout and the orange gold pours out. The large bottle, which has a carrying handle on it, and a white lid, says ?value pack? on it. Indeed, it is quite a good value. I buy it from the Wal-Mart across town, usually in unopened cases of twelve. The bottle says, ?refill/recharge? on the bottom of the sticker on the side. ?Recharge?, I assume, is French for refill, but I like to think it is there just for me, telling me it gives me the recharge I need. I always gently remove the stickers with warm water. I know what is in the bottle, and I feel insulted by the stickers.
I keep six of the little bottles around my house: two in the kitchen, two in the bathroom, one on the table just inside the front door, and one next to my couch where I watch television. Sometimes I feel dirty watching television. I need to keep myself clean, especially my hands and the area around my mouth. I try not to get any soap in my eyes.
Actually, no. I have another bottle, a seventh one. It is at the top of the stairs that lead to the basement, on a small oak table next to a vase of very real-looking plastic flowers. (I call the basement the (de)basement, not too funny, I admit, but I like it just the same) When I come up those stairs and into my living area, my hands always, always need to be cleaned. Sterilized. Rubbing soap over them as I walk to the bathroom gives me a head start, you see. There is also a bowl of water on the oak table, so I can wet my hands before I squirt soap on them. I replace the water every day. There are bowls of water all over my house.
The shade of pink created when I scrub my skin is bright, shiny and mesmerizing. I do not like dead skin on me, and I work very hard to get rid of it. I keep my skin pink, almost red. I use a nail brush or the little scrub brushes you buy in packs of two, the ones you use for dishes. They come in plastic baggies, either a yellow and a blue one, or an orange and blue one. I used an SOS pad once, and I scrubbed so hard that it made the skin on my forearm bleed. SOS pads have some other soap in them, and the pads leave what looks like bits of wire on the skin. Now I only use those pads for scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors. Cleanliness is next to godliness, that?s what I say. Can?t get too clean.
I tried to drink Liquid Dial, once. Only once. Its citrus smell made me do it. I probably drank a cup of it. Drank is the wrong word, as the soap is like a thick orange syrup, so perhaps I should say I poured a cup down my waiting throat. It didn?t taste too bad. It actually made me feel cleaner. I have been eating some strange things lately, and this was to cleanse my body. It was fine until my stomach complained. I ended up doubled over, clutching my belly, burping up huge orange-tinted bubbles, like some cartoon character. A cartoon character! Jesus! That was the end of that. I won?t even tell you what it did to my intestines. Lots of bubbles, that is all I will tell you. I decided to keep with my less exciting but very effective method of drinking (chugging) one litre of water a day, just before bedtime, that contains about a pinkie finger?s width of liquid bleach. I have been doing that every night for, I think, about a year. It works. I should know. Those stomachaches no longer bother me. But burping up bubbles! Once was enough of that.
Oh, the bleach I have been using, since the beginning, is Javex. I have gone through a few bottles in the past year, but certainly not all of it has gone down my throat! No, I use it around the house, for cleaning and disinfecting. It is very effective for stain removal. For some reason, there seems to be a proliferation of stains in my (de)basement. Javex to the rescue, I say. The jug has a picture, in an upside-down triangle, of a hand in a jar, and the hand is nothing but bone. So of course I do not touch the bleach with my bare hands. I don?t even carry the jug around without my trusty rubber gloves. You know, the ones your mother used to wear when she cleaned the toilet, the yellow, sweaty, ill-fitting gloves. I have also seen lime green ones, and orange ones. They make me feel like a mad scientist when I have them on. Do I need to tell you how many pairs of those gloves I have laying around the house? Lots. Tons. Again, all from the local Wal-Mart.
Javex bleach is derived from salt. It breaks down quickly and turns into salt, water and oxygen. I find that amazing. It gives me awful gas, too. That?s why I drink it just before bedtime, so I don?t find myself out shopping or something, during the day, with the unstoppable urge to pass gas. Not a pleasant thought, I am sure you will agree. I make sure I wash my nightly water and bleach down with two glasses of warm milk, just to keep things happy. That means I need to get up twice every night to go to the bathroom, but it is a nice break between dreams. Usually I down a bunch of Pepto-Bismol, the gross pink stuff. Sometimes when I get up I mix some honey in warm milk and drink it. Sometimes I just put the honey into the milk and watch it until I am tired again. Even if I don?t drink it, it is never there in the morning. I find that strange. The empty glass is just sitting there when I get up, on the (of course) spotlessly clean kitchen counter.
The dreams I have each and every night are quite vivid and disturbing, and I believe they are only partly caused by my bleach intake. I am pretty sure that I was only dreaming in black and white before I started with the bleach, and now I dream in incredible colour. Oh, I also down about a half-dozen Advil every night too, with the milk. But I doubt that causes any dreams.
My cat, Israel, won?t touch bleach or Liquid Dial. He doesn?t need to. He is so perfect and sinless. I wish I could be like him, but I need to be cleansed constantly. The other day Israel brought up an inordinate amount of half-digested food and hair. I had never even considered that he would be capable of fault until then. I put out a bowl of water for him, with a tiny bit of Javex in it, but he refused to drink it, instead preferring to drink from the dripping tap in the bathtub. I have forgiven him for his little outburst, but I think that he was just showing me my own sins. He is such a good cat. He loves to drink from the water bowls that sit everywhere in my house. He is also very quiet. It relaxes me.
I am not actually trying to avoid talking about the noises in my head, but I do not find that talking about it helps. I have talked to two psychiatrists about it, but neither of them gave any workable advice. It was all, oh, use this drug, or use that drug, or pills. Nonsense. I also have tried talking to Israel about it, but he is a cat, and I cannot tell you what he says. Sometimes he says things in English, and I catch the odd word, and sometimes I hear something that sounds to my untrained ear like Spanish, but for the most part he is not very helpful. What is the main language that cats use? Catese? I don?t know. Regardless, he loves me and I love him, and we get along fine even when we cannot understand one another.
I know for sure that Israel told me one time that I should no longer wear paper surgical masks around the house. He would not tell me why, but I think he likes to see my pink face instead of a paper mask. I am glad he told me. I wasn?t aware that I wore those masks so often.
The only thing that I have found so far, that works, is talking to my freezer. Oh, don?t knock it until you try it. I actually also found one other thing that works, that is, talking to graves in the cemetery that is three blocks from my house, but I have been escorted out of the cemetery four times now, (four times!), always in the dead of night, always by security guards who grip my forearm like I am some dangerous monster and they are here to tame me. They tell me to never come back, that I need help, that maybe I should ?take my medication?, whatever that means. They never, ever look into my eyes. Security guards have very poor people skills. I think I would go crazy if I was a security guard, because I would be alone so much. Regardless, I didn?t think I ever talked loud enough for anyone to hear. I need to make my own cemetery, so I can talk to whomever I wish. In the meantime, I am talking to my freezer.
I have a huge freezer in my basement (debasement). It is rectangular, white, and about seven feet long. Heavy lid. Long enough for a body to sleep in. I don?t get inside it, of course. I have heard too many stories about kids getting inside refrigerators and freezers and closing the door and then being locked inside until they run out of air. Not me. I am too smart to get inside. There is no room in there anyway.
What I do is, I bring a blanket and a pillow down to the freezer, and I lean against it and wrap my body with the blanket, and I cross my legs and prop up my head with the pillow, and I talk. The freezer, because it is but a freezer, does not talk back. It hums. The humming rises and falls, according to what it wants me to know. I tell it about the voices in my head, the awful noise, the arguing, the constant buzzing between my ears. I used to open the freezer, and talk to the bodies inside, but I decided that that was a waste of electricity, a waste of energy. Besides, it is not the bodies in the freezer that communicate with me, but the freezer itself. It houses the bodies for me. It is also more comfortable for me, especially for the longer talks, for me to sit against the freezer than it is to stand over it and keep the lid open.
I have decided that it is almost time for another freezer. This one is practically full. I believe that this freezer (who I call jenny, no capital J, just jenny) will be jealous when I have another freezer delivered, but that cannot be avoided. The bodies cannot be stored upstairs, in my living area. They must be downstairs in the (de)basement, and that is where the second freezer will go. I will probably put a small table down here soon, too, for a bottle of Liquid Dial and a bucket of water and a hand towel. You can never be too sure.
I think I will call the new freezer jimmy. No capital J, just jimmy. jimmy and jenny, in my (de)basement, home of the bodies. It has a certain ring to it. That and all the Liquid Dial, little orange bottles of it everywhere. And maybe some Javex. I think I can find a piece of happiness in that.
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Comments: pat my cat.
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Thursday, August 22nd, 2002
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observations::
one of my roommates is blowing bubbles and they are exploding all around me and its pretty neat
my sister and i become more alike every day
rowing makes me very very fucking hungry
creed really really sucks and that lead singer should be shot in the crotch that he loves thrusting about
margaret atwood writes great short stories
i dislike sitting in doctor's waiting rooms that are full of screaming crying wrinkly red-faced newborn babies
i have a slight maternal instinct but it may just be indigestion
most websites are abominably awful and very annoying, and background music that cannot be turned off should be banned
i love wearing high heels and being able to walk properly in them
i could eat garlic mashed potatoes forever
cuddling is underrated
yewknee.com is very very awesome
i want to have my own place to call home
doing laundry totally blows but not as much as cleaning the toilet
i have a green thumb, but not literally
hey, goldmember is a rockin song
a relationship that has no uncomfortable silences is a good one
taking the bus sucks, and standing on the bus sucks more, and bus drivers that dont know how to drive should be punched out
teenage boys that check me out must have no idea how old i am
exile on main street is a fantastic album
i miss my cat
i love the achy body feeling i get right after a great workout
charles malinsky is an amazing artist
i miss my mom like crazy
my website is almost ready
i get bored way too easily
a car rearended another car right in front of me today as i was waiting for the bus, and i think it was my fault
the brazilian chick at the gym is very nice and very friendly to me
sunrises are better than sunsets
i cant drink coffee anymore, but god help anyone that gets in the way of my frappucino, grrrr hiss spit
a lot of people think i look like diana krall
puerile is a very cool word
i love being naked
having a wonderful man in my life doesnt make things perfect but damn its nice
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Comments: pat my cat.
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Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
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theres a bit frickin helicopter flying over downtown right now, just doing circles for the last half hour, just around a few blocks and right over my office. hmmmm. coast guard helicopters dont fly over urban areas for fun. i dont think they fly anywhere for fun.
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Comments: pat my cat.
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Monday, August 19th, 2002
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let me reiterate................ things that are easily named in a list, including physical qualities, pale in comparison to the importance of the big three things i like in a man :: i find him comfortable to be with, fun and funny. so you are 'physically average'? so what? you are impossibly cute, have an incredible smile and an infectious laugh, i find you very physically attractive, and if you look at my 'history', well ive never had that 'tall muscular adonis-type' guy in my life. im just blowing smoke thinking that i might get something like that.........and more importantly, i think im also fooling myself thinking that i might LIKE it as well. i dont go after them nor do i get them. i guess i really dont want that stereotypical model-type guy. its a package deal.......i either find a guy attractive or not, and there are no strict rules....... and it has as much to do with his voice, body language, smile, eyes, and comfort level as it does with any purely physical attribute. and it also reminds me of how i am not a stereotypical hottie or good looking female, and how im insecure about that. and to directly answer your question, yes your 'other qualitites' "make up" for that stuff......... but honestly, there wasnt anything to make up for because i dont think deep in my heart i really want that 'tall dark and handsome' crap, not if it doesnt come with all the other things my heart asks for.
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Comments: 1 pat - pat my cat.
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you know that feeling. one morning you get up and your nose feels cold, your hands feel cold. the slightest nip is now in the air and there is no going back to the full heat of summer. the breeze comes off the water and it carries with it the chill of autumn. thank goodness its my favourite season :)
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Comments: pat my cat.
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Thursday, August 15th, 2002
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seven deadly sins...........ranking them on how much i believe each one applies to me::
1. envy
2. anger
3. lust
4. pride
5. greed
6. gluttony
7. sloth
thanks, tom. and btw, thanks for introducing me to goldberg. sweeet.
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Comments: pat my cat.
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had an absolutely wondeful weekend with my man, just hanging and having fun and celebrating my birthday. its good. im happy. i dont know what happened last night but i was really moody and emotional and chris was right there for me and cuddled me lots and helped me through it. he is just amazing. as a result of this, i hardly got any sleep. so now im running on coffee today. yay me! :). chris is amazing. im hoping i will be able to say that for a long time and feel the way i do about him for a long time too. hes a keeper. hot diggity. :)
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Comments: pat my cat.
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things to do tomorrow::
sleep in with chris
take flowers to my mom's spot at the cemetery
buy dad his bday gift
drive to the top of mt tolmie and watch the city and the ocean
spend some time on the water
look at digital cameras
think about my website
watch a movie
do nothing
cuddle
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Comments: 1 pat - pat my cat.
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its my birthday!!!! :) hehe :) yay me, im older!! a bunch of us are going to AP3 tonight, and then chris is taking me for a big bloody steak dinner and then im staying at his place all weekend.........yessssss! :)
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Comments: pat my cat.
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spent almost the whole weekend with my man. this is good :). on sat i went into work for part of the day to watch the sweatshop boys, lol, and on sun the man had a workshop for most of the day so i went to ross bay cemetery and read my book and went shopping at my fave consignment store and went to the gym and made my muscles bigger. it was good. then we ordered chinese in and watched movies all night. stayed at his place for the last three nights. we get along really well. im happy. i mean, you never really know if a guy is the one, the one and only, but this guy is great, and i really enjoy his company and hes an awesome cuddler. hes not overly exciting, rather hes laid back and meticulous and not outdoorsy and he could sit inside all day if need be. i am not like that. but that gives me the opportunity to get out and do my own thing. i did get him out hiking last weekend, and he really enjoyed it. i know i will never get him out climbing or skiing or kayaking or mtn biking, but i do know he will be home making me dinner and ready to cuddle me when i get home. hehe. and he has great taste in movies, tv and music, and he knows how to use his computer. and hes a cat person. and hes really sweet. and we can talk for hours, or laugh or cuddle or just have fun. :) its good.
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Comments: pat my cat.
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sweatshop mode time at work. i love where i work. i just love it. i work with the most amazing, cool, friendly, team-oriented, funny, brilliant people. its the final push to release new software. im not involved in this particular project but as there are only eight of us here and five of us are working on this project, it affects everyone. i think i may end up doing testing or something anyway. my plate is very full and everyone here is working like dogs, but like happy dogs :). i hope to be working here for a very long time. this is the best team i have ever seen. its good.
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Comments: pat my cat.
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Wednesday, July 17th, 2002
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watched memento last night. have no idea why i havent seen it before. or maybe i have? LOL.hehe. really damn good movie. well cast, well played, well acted and extremely well crafted. i am impressed. this is one movie i will see again.
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Comments: pat my cat.
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sister just called from aus. she is very very happy, and single, and giddy :) its good. i hafta go see her!! i also hafta get a car, pay off the student loan, go to starbucks...lol. :) if my sis and i lived in the same city.......[and if we were both single, which for now i am not...]....i can imagine the trouble we would get into.......hehe........... :)!!!!!!!
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Comments: pat my cat.
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omg ive only known my bf for 23 days. well, in person anyway. it started with two messages, then two emails, two phone calls, and then a dinner date that lasted 15 hours..... ..now its been over three weeks. im happy. this is good. :) i spent the last three nights at his place. we went to save-on-foods and bought groceries, and then had to go back because we forgot some stuff..............and went thru the lineup again, with nothing but chocolate and condoms. we got some very funny looks. jealous looks i think :) hehe
on another note, finally got my N on friday. YESSS!!! your turn now, sis!! get on it! :) hehe. and Alim, my dear sweet Alim that i miss so much, have you got your N yet? hmmm?? im just glad its over and i can focus on other things now! i was so nervous and yet i really had no reason to be. isnt that always the way? you end up worrying about things that are a breeze, and the things that nip you in the ass, well you never see them coming so you never get a chance to worry about them. but worrying is such a waste of energy regardless. i just naturally worry, tho. i have worry lines :).
and i have to file down my nails. they are so long right now that i am having problems typing. some geek i am!!!!! cant even type. damn i feel like some painted, pimped up, britney-wannabe mall chick right now. these nails are getting filed down NOW. grrrrrr.
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Comments: pat my cat.
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well i didnt really get any sleep on wed night........but i felt good anyway :) maybe my body is getting used to not having any sleep? that would not be a good thing, lol :)
and now i am spending the whooooole weekend with the man/bf/grrr/sweets/etc :) and its very very good. he likes me a LOT which is good because i also like him a LOT. works out well eh! hehe. i love just talking to him and snuggling with him and watching movies with him and just being with him. we dont even need to do anything. this is good. i wonder how long this stage lasts? before i get bored or get impatient or what? i hope i dont. i really like this guy. we get along stupid well. and i can just about read his mind and he knows it and thinks its cool. :) hehe. im just happy to be off the dating wheel, happy to be with someone i like so much and care so much about, happy to be smiling all the time, and just happy to be happy. its good. i hope this lasts because it feels so wonderful and gushy and silly and high and amazing and girly and giggly and cuddly and perfect. :) yeah, im not myself lately, lol. :)
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Comments: pat my cat.
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Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
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ok this is a test::: to stay at b/f's place overnight and actually get at least six hours of deep uninterrupted sleep. this is only a test. i hope it happens. my body clock gets me up at 7am. he usually doesnt get up until 8:30am. this means he likes to go to bed later than me. and i cant really get back to sleep once i wake up and the sun is pouring in the window. his blinds are thin. and the window faces east. hrmm. plus we cant seem to just go to sleep. this is also a problem. perhaps a larger problem than the sun thing. and i can hardly complain about the sun/weather. its like 25C out, and i have been wearing short skirts all week. nice weather. i just wish that i could tell in the changeroom at the store that people can see right through my skirts when im outside in the sun. not that i care that much. its kind of funny.
k, so lets see how much sleep i get tonight. yay sleep!!
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Comments: pat my cat.
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